ABBA-trait

UV searched through the play list on his iPod. “Listen to this. I even invented this arbitration scheme using songs to calm our stormy arguments. The key song is this one by ABBA ‘I Let the Music Speak.’” UV held the earbuds like speakers and played the music on his iPod.

“The arbitration scheme works like this... To do this you need a large library of songs. Love songs in our case. Luckily my mom was a big fan of ABBA, the Swedish group. Vinyl served the purpose when Penny and I were married, but now an iPod simplifies things. I gave Penny an iPod for Christmas loaded with ABBA songs for that very reason. So let’s say that Penny wants to express her feelings. She finds a song that resonates with how she feels, and then she tells me the song title. Here’s one of her fare, ‘Should I Laugh or Cry.’ Let’s listen.”

“The advantage of arbitration by songs is three fold. First, no interruptions are permitted. ABBA-trait rule number one: You need to listen to the entire song without interruptions. Second, songs express how we feel. ABBA-trait rule number two: All expressed thoughts need to begin with ‘I feel.’ That eliminates attacks, which begin with ‘You.’ Third, narrative is harder than pattern recognition, which I’ll demonstrate.”

UV held his iPod in their field of vision and twirled it about with his fingers. “You recognize this, of course, it’s an iPod, right? Ten years ago this hadn’t been invented. So let’s try to describe an iPod to people ten years ago.” UV resorted to two voices.

“It’s a portable, hand held device that plays music – a transistor radio.”

“But it stores it’s own music – a cassette player.”

“On a disk – a CD player.”

“On a hard disk – I thought you said it was portable. How long is the power cord?”

Blondie laughed.

“Step by step people interpret narrative into familiar forms. Forays into the unknown are unpredictable. Narrative has three components: accessing thoughts in memory, putting thoughts into words, and accurately conveying those thoughts into the mind of somebody else through targeted word choices. Men are lousy at conveying feelings in narrative form, but give us a large enough collection of songs and we can recognize the one song that best suits our mood at any given moment. That’s because narrative is harder than pattern recognition. Anyhow, those are the ideas underlying what I call ABBA-trait, which sounds similar to the related word ‘arbitrate.’

“But the ABBA-trait concept is more general than just songs. For instance, you could use horoscopes. Imagine a thousand different horoscopes. On any given day, a small number of those horoscopes would ring true. So you come home to be greeted by, ‘How was your day, honey?’ And you answer, ‘Horoscope number four hundred and ninety-one, sweetheart. How was your day?’ And so forth. Or recall how a certain point in your life resembled a scene in a movie or a novel. Same thing. So here’s my response to Penny’s song. It’s called, ‘What About Livingstone.’ Let’s listen.”

“So what does that tell us? Can I recognize where Penny is coming from? Aye. Can she recognize where I’m coming from? Aye Aye. But in the end it changes nothing, because we hold different world views. Democrats and Republicans both recognize the other party’s philosophy, they just don’t trust it. In fact, transplant ideas for feelings and my issue with Penny becomes the exact same narrative problem: accessing ideas in memory, putting ideas into words, and accurately conveying those ideas into Penny’s mind. Perhaps better word choices might have done the trick, but we’re past the point of no return. The tragedy of our relationship is that I wore out her patience. I lost her trust, and that’s an irreconcilable difference. Now, she’d rather trust a stranger than me. It’s unfortunate, but true about human nature, and grounds for divorce. This was her parting song, ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You.’”

“That sounds familiar.”

“It was popular in the day. For graduate school I moved to Stanford. So my train ride got longer, while our bed grew colder. That triggered this response from me, ‘Another Town, Another Train.’”

“Did you ever consider postponing graduate school? It might have saved your marriage.”

“Graduate school was just a ruse. Penny blamed me for holding her back. Her acting career got stranded on a small island, and she saw divorce as her opportunity for a fresh start. But things never turned out the way she imagined. After our divorce she still remained typecast in comedic or matronly roles. Her height limited her roles. Not me. You can hear those themes echoed in this piece that she sent me long after our divorce was final, ‘One of Us.’”

“Sounds like she wanted you two to get back together.”

“Aye, but always on her terms. Recall the family versus career ultimatum? Her words and deeds contradicted each other. Divorce was a career move on her part. She’s always had both. Although her career never lived up to her expectations, she acts during the summer and she’s surrounded by family – my family, absent me of course, but I come home for visits even though it’s gotten more and more uncomfortable each time I return. Penny insinuates that leaving is an admission of infidelity on my part. Here’s one of my eve of leaving songs, ‘Dance (While The Music Still Goes On).’”

“You still love her.”

“Aye, but not unconditionally.”

“Too bad you two can’t come to some accommodation.”

“She’s painted herself into a corner. Her life is like a jigsaw puzzle with one missing piece. Our son is the incomplete man in her life. She’s uprooted her past and grafted herself onto my family tree. We’re... cultured intellectuals. My mother volunteers in the performing arts community, and Penny thrives in that spotlight. I was her leading man in high school, but she’s found no professional replacement. She keeps offering me the role with this song, ‘One Man, One Woman.’”

“Sounds like she’s waiting for you to come back and stay.”

“And I’m waiting for her to come live with me too. Either I could fulfill her dreams, or she could fulfill mine. Either way our dreams are incompatible. There’s one song we’re both waiting to hear from the other, which amounts to unconditional surrender. ABBA-trait rule number three: It’s a major breach of ABBA-trait etiquette to place lyrics in the mouth of the other person, as in, ‘do u Waterloo?’”

“That sounds familiar too.”

“Penny wants me to cash in my career and retire back to Ashland.”

“Could you retire?”

“Financially? Aye. Legally? I’m bound to a contract with one year remaining. When Telly turns eighteen, that’s when I could conceivably turn over the helm and retire. But that depends on him. My legacy is too important to leave to chance, for a lot of people not just me. For now this is the tune that best expresses how I feel, ‘I Wonder (Departure).’ ABBA-trait rule number four: Some lyrics are a little off course. Substitute ‘girls’ for ‘boys’ when you listen to this song. I call that ‘retune the lyrics.’”

“But you do intend to return to her?”

“Of course, if she’ll have me when the time comes. That’s the plan anyway. However, what’s amazing to me is how song lyrics capture some pure essence of the fragile nature of human relationships. Almost without modification, song lyrics apply to unforeseen situations with uncanny accuracy. I call it the ‘horoscope effect.’ How’d I do?”

“Do?” Blondie looked confused.

“Explaining the difference between narrative and pattern recognition.” UV displayed the iPod. “It took you an instant to recognize this iPod.” UV snapped his fingers. “Ten years ago it would have taken much longer and required a narrative. Ten years from now ABBA-trait might be a common feature of popular culture too, but today a narrative must suffice. Do you understand ABBA-trait as I’ve described it?”

“I think so.”

“Good. Pop quiz time.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Not if I want you to use ABBA-trait yourself and spread the word.” UV waved and arm down the aisle. “How else is ABBA-trait going to save couples everywhere from needless heartache and frustration? So here’s the first question. Why did Penny divorce me?”

Excerpted from Gistmass Story: Context